“God we will do anything. Anything.”
Praying for anything is allowing for God to use you in His plan according to His will by tapping into the talents and skills he has gifted you. Sometimes our hopes and dreams are aligned but sometimes God has a different timing and priority than we do. This is the scary part of surrender; allowing for God’s will not our own.
In going through the Anything Project, I have really been looking at what is my Anything. What is it that God wants from me? What are my talents and gifts? Where is my own heart? and What will really count at the end of my life?
An old dream: my own family. As far back as I can remember I craved having a family of my own, children, lots. Ok, just three. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to raise children in this broken world that would be strong, that would go on to do great things, and make the world a better place. I had goals and dreams of my future children who didn’t even exist yet. One might even be a world leader, like President of the U.S. The other would probably serve in poverty, feeding children and building communities. The third would be spoiled and would be my wild card. A red head, brunette, and blonde. They would be like Charlie’s Angels and tackle the world. That was my dream.
More than a decade ago I was in a relationship with an Israeli man; my college boyfriend who I loved very much. I was a non-practicing Christian girl in a relationship with a Jewish Israeli. I was ready and willing to dive all in but not willing to convert to Judaism. It would be a lie. I don’t know if this was the divide that kept him from the next relationship step or if it were the cultural differences. But after dating for 5 years, moving to foreign country and making a home together, I was ready for the next step that never came. I set that relationship on fire and went back to the U.S. He is now married to a strong woman, they have two beautiful boys, and I truly hope a blessed family.
Then with only three suitcases I moved back to the States in New England 1,300 miles away from my own family. I was striking off into a new life. New home. New job. New, new, new. This is when I met my ex-husband. He promised me the world, everything I was looking for. He promised to love me and stand by me through all life’s challenges. He wanted to slow down his military life after 4 deployments and be a husband and father. We were married and started trying to build a family right away. I now believe that the unexplained infertility we had was one of the many fractures that led to a crumbled marriage. After 4 years of a stressful marriage absent of Christ, he fell for a married woman with two ready-made kids. At this point, I don’t know what he’s doing, how he is, or even where. I do know that he holds strong animosity toward me and blames me for the fall of our marriage even though I fought greatly for us.
Now in a new marriage to a man who loves Jesus more than me, I am still childless at 34. I wonder if this is my sacrifice… the dream I must abandon to follow Jesus.
I have a pretty great resume when it comes to kids and families. On paper and in my experiences with children, I would make a great mom. If I really break it down in the last decade to my area of expertise, my professional ‘sweet spot’ is with teens and young adults. I have this ability to love the difficult to love. The teens and young adults who have experienced unimaginable traumas and who will spit in your face when trying to help them. I have loved those kids with my whole heart. I see their faces in my memories and I think of them fondly with hope.
Maybe this is my Anything, for me to surrender my dreams of having children to sacrifice for those teens and young adults that are rough around the edges. If I had children of my own, the biological ones, then those other kids wouldn’t have another me who was willing to be in their corner. But what does this mean? What are my next steps? What does this mean for my husband too?
Dear Heavenly Father, As much as it hurts I surrender to Your will, where You lead me, I will go. The gifts and talents You have given me are Yours. Thank you for my husband who loves You too and is willing to follow in Your will. Guide us both in the path You have for us but please give us clarity in that path. In Jesus’ name. Amen.